The Remix

Long story short: I sent my results to Max on Wednesday and he emailed me back with some pretty harsh feedback, basically saying everything would need to be redone. So whereas I was over 75% done with my thesis I may not be pushed back to less than 50%. I almost had a panic attack. I had to book another flight home. I was supposed to come home on September 1st and it became readily apparent that now I’d never make that deadline. In addition to having to do my thesis I’ve been having to deal with all the financing for next year which has been a pain, and then I had to find another ticket home and pray my parents didn’t kill me. Now I’m going home September 9th, the day after my thesis is due.

I was working from 9-6 on Friday. During the middle of the day I realized even if I work 10 or 11 hours I’m going to go back to my room and do what to relax? So I texted Catherine and asked her if she wanted to go to a movie. At 6:15 pm I went home to lie down, I was starting to feel unwell, I think it's too much time at the computer. Then I was supposed to meet Catherine for dinner in the hall at 7pm so by the time I packed up my things and got back to our flat I didn't really have much time to rest. We had dinner in the hall, it was really good! They had turkey with this nice mushroom sauce! Then Catherine and I walked into town (the most exercise I've had in a long time). We saw Funny People. It was good, I liked it. It takes place in LA which always makes me happy and nostalgic for home. Then we walked back and I talked to my parents before going to bed. I just needed to get out for a while, after the freak out that I had.

I'm not sure if things are okay or not. I'm trying to follow what he told me to do but he wasn't very explicit and I'm still massively confused and worried. I'm running many tests now and I've emailed the results to him and asked him if this is what he wanted, but he hasn't responded all day and I have the sinking feeling that he won't respond to my emails at all this weekend :( Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Also I had an unpleasant dream about Kerrie last night. I think I am suppressing many things, and I know this isn't the time to deal with them but I can feel it all brewing under the surface. My mom was mad at me yesterday for not calling. I told her I was working all day! That made me sad, but when I talked with her before bed everything was better. She told my dad about the ticket... Anyway today I had a really good talk with her. She told me that she put lots of love and energy into my bank account and so I can withdraw as much as I need ;) I can feel all of her support. I also chatted with my sister briefly today. This was her first week of teaching! She loves it but is exhausted and super busy.

I worked 10 hours yesterday. All in all I think it was a good amount, I don't think I can really expect myself to do more. I fear that even at the rate I'm working it's not really sustainable. I know I'm wearing myself down, it's only a matter of time. It's fine. I keep putting things off. I can have a break down when I get back home for now there is no time. No time to deal with everything I've been through but I can feel stuff boiling under the surface.

Today was somewhat productive, I worked a long time, until I felt sick and needed to lie down. I feel really scared and like I don't know what I'm doing. What he told me to do doesn't make sense to me and I've never done it before. I don't understand how this is supposed to verify my hypotheses. I feel the clock ticking and was starting to get worried and upset but I tried to calm down once again and gain equilibrium. No one is dying, my house isn't burning down, my family is well. I try to think of all the things that are going well and not to catastrophize this situation which is very easy to do. I'm trying to take big deep breaths and remain calm, gain some perspective of my situation. It does me no good to wallow it self-pity. Yes it's a shitty situation but there isn't much I can do to change that, but I can try to change how I react to my circumstances.

To be honest I feel completely spent. I want to do more but my eyes and back hurt. I feel like I'm constantly flipping back and forth between two states: sheer terror and waiting for the horror in my periods of forced relaxation, which doesn't really work so well, however movies and reading do take my mind off my current reality for a little while. I am constantly grateful for the internet which allows me to escape, however briefly, and catch up with some of my favorite shows. The weather over here is terrible, it's been very cold and gray. I think summer is definitely over, not that there was much of one to start with. I feel depleted.

I’m really liking Julie and Julia, I have laughed out loud several times. Today was not a very good work day for me because I had the appointment in the middle of the day. I went and he wrote me a prescription for some cream which I am supposed to use before bed. I hope it fixes everything. Luckily it hasn’t been so bad. I got some groceries from the Co-op after I went to the pharmacy. I decided that I wanted to make risotto. Kerrie used to make it for us and I really liked it. I realize I’ve been avoiding eating the things we used to have together. I thought that I shouldn’t do that, it’s important for me to move on, so I bought mushrooms and rice and wine. Then when I got back onto Linton Road I realized I forgot to buy parmesan. I was so angry and frustrated. I couldn’t really work after that. I ended up making some mashed potatoes but I didn’t eat them. I’ll probably have them tomorrow.

I’m feeling really scared about all that I have left to do. I know it will all work out in the end, at least I keep telling myself that but sometimes it just feels like everything is falling apart. My body is freaking out on me and my mind is not focused. I think my mind is trying to focus on not panicking which is interfering with other things. I feel tired and angry with myself for not doing more and my body is wracked with tension.

Tomorrow is supposed to be Marco’s going away party at the Royal Oak, I don’t know if I’ll go. I have been sleeping pretty well though, the problem is I don’t want to wake up to face all my work. AHHHHHHHHHH!

What do you do when you feel like you can't deal anymore? I don't mean with life or in general but I mean when the task ahead of you just seems so daunting. I'm trying to write up my introduction for my thesis, a draft of which is due on Friday. A friend offered to read it over on Thursday. And I just feel totally knackered and can't concentrate. Yesterday I worked for 4 hours straight on it, and the previous day the same. I seem to be maxing out at 4 which is pathetic according to my standards. I was used to doing 8-10 hour days but maybe I can't expect that of myself, maybe it's just too intense. Maybe I'm not able to keep up that level of intensity for so long. It started before exams and lasted up and until then. Then I took a bit of a break. Well I don't even know if it can be called a break because I was totally and completely physically and mentally exhausted. It was more of a "I can't get out of bed/move" type of thing. Then I got the flu, probably swine, and spent a week recovering from that. Then I got back in the game with designing my study and revising over and over and over again until it was perfect. While I was doing that I started to have these really vivid, hectic dreams. Normally I don't remember my dreams. The dreams were weird and disturbing, some of them turning quite violent. I had really intense dreams for a week, so that every day when I'd wake up I'd feel exhausted. I tried to meditate before I went to bed. Sleep is supposed to be my rest, my recovery time. I thought I was staying calm about everything but apparently me thinking everything is going to be fine didn't exactly filter down into my subconscious. The dreams have been better in the last few days, yesterday I only remembered a brief flash. So what do you do? Yesterday I was so tired I actually took a nap (note: I never nap).

I don't want to be exhausted, I want to do my work. I want to get on with everything.

June 8th: My first exam was at 9:30am Monday morning. Primate Behavioural Ecology. I woke up at 7am, forced myself to have some toast and orange juice and try to go over my notes one more time. After my first exam got out at 12:30pm I was shaking all over. I thought I might pass out. I chugged the Vitamin water I put in my purse. I went back to my room with the thought that I'd eat, rest for a few hours and then revise for my next exam. However, you know what they say about best laid plans. I ate and watched episodes of Wonderfalls for hours. Lying there, unable to move or do anything. While watching Wonderfalls I felt a sense of calm. When I finally started to study again at 4:30pm I had my first inkling that this wasn't going to work. It was like pressing the "on" switch on an appliance which you know has dead batteries. You keep hoping that maybe there is some juice still left in them, refusing to acknowledge they are dead as a doornail. So after a few futile attempts I gave up and resumed trying to rejuevnate myself. I've never felt that level of exhaustion before. I went to bed at 11:30pm which is very early for me.

June 9th: Same time, same place, same morning routine. Up today, Human Behavioural Ecology. After this exam I was shaking more than the day before, and I felt like I was totally incoherent in my first essay. Oh well. As I left the Exam School I couldn't speak because my jaw was trembling along with the rest of my body in various states of twitches. It's a miracle I got back to my room. But what is even more astonishing is that I somehow managed to pull myself together. I meditated for about 15 minutes after lunch, trying desperately to summon strength from somewhere because I was totally tapped out. This was do or die. I couldn't afford not to study more for my last exam. It was the one I was least prepared for and a topic which surprisingly enough I hadn't really enjoyed. I studied for 6 hours. I still don’t know how I managed considering how tired and beat down I was. At the end I felt a lot better about going into my exam considering it was the one I was most dreading. There was nothing else I could do. I ate dinner and then proceeded to watch more Wonderfalls.

At 11pm I heard voices in the hallway. I assumed someone was visiting Sofia because I could hear her voice. Then there was a knock. I said come in, as I lay on my bed in my shorts and a tank top, my laptop on my thighs, pausing my show. In walked Matt and Aurelie along with Sofia. That was a surprise. I didn’t get up from my bed. “We have something for you,” she squeaked and brought me a white envelope. My mind recalled that some days previous Sofia had warned me that Jay had sent around a message on facebook about a card for me. I hate when people force you to open cards in front of them. So say it was awkward is a ridiculous understatement. I acted surprised, well I was admittedly surprised to have them standing in my room, passing Rufus between them. I never expected to have Matt back in my room stroking Rufus. I opened the card and quickly scanned the messages, half of which said get well soon and the other half incorporated good luck on your exam. I thanked them, several minutes of awkward small talk ensued, ending with the fact it was after 11pm and I had an exam at 9:30am. Then they left.

I was about to go knock on Sofia’s door, but she beat me and entered my room without knocking as soon as they were out of sight. “Let me explain,” she started with. She had made it known to me, in no uncertain terms, that she was appalled by everyone’s behaviour. She explained that the thread kept getting longer and longer and that she finally replied that she wasn’t going to sign the card because I already knew that she hoped I felt better, she had been with me for the past two weeks since the accident. She continued that I was fine, I had finished two of my exams and had the third one tomorrow subtly indicating that there was really no point to this. “When did you write that?” I asked her, “About an hour ago.” So now the picture becomes clear. The last possible excuse they could have to give me a card (now this had turned into a get well/good luck on your exams card) was about to expire, making the whole thing totally irrelevant. It was already irrelevant in my option. So at the 11th hour, after Sofia pointed this out, they rushed to get it to me before the last excuse they could use for waiting so long to make me a card would expire. How thoughtful.

June 10th: Same routine, had my last exam which I actually thought went pretty well, I was surprised. I felt the least pressured in terms of time on this one. Afterwards my coursemates and I were all going to The King’s Arms to celebrate. Jessica was supposed to come and join me. I saw her briefly but she had a lot of work to do and didn’t join us for lunch. Coming out of the Exam Schools was surreal. They had barricades across the street and a crowd, piled 6 people deep at least was crushing against the barriers shouting and wielding all sorts of items including party poppers, shaving cream, eggs, flour, confetti and champagne. When finalists come out of their last exam it’s Oxford tradition to “trash” them and it can get quite messy and noisy. No one trashed any of us, leaving the Exam Schools felt anticlimactic. I think I was in shock. None of it sunk in, that I had just finished my last exam. Possibly the last exam of my academic career. I was just dazed and exhausted.

At the King’s Arms I ordered the steak, ale and mushroom pie. I good hearty meal which I hoped would wake me up a bit. I ordered late because I was waiting for Jessica to get back. Birker didn’t come for ages, he was MIA. Anyway we all sat and ate, Kit and Caroline (two DPhils from our department) were there celebrating with us. Then I heard Caroline mutter that she was the harbinger of doom. “The harbinger of doom?” I laughed, “Why would you say that?” What an odd thing to say, I thought. “Because I have to make an announcement.” She then proceeded to get everyone’s attention down the table. “Nicola died last night.” Silence. “What? How?” “He apparently had a heart attack.” Nicola was a post-doc in our department, he taught our quantitative methods course in Hilary Term. He was a brilliant guy (had like 3 masters degrees and 2 PhDs) and had a great, sarcastic sense of humour. He was always quick to response to emails, really patient and caring. He was so popular among us in fact, that he was supervising 4 students; that’s half of the people on my course. He was only 33.

Needless to say that put a damper on things. I attempted to keep eating but it was moot at that point. I put my fork down, my appetite gone. It was hard to celebrate after that. The conversations gradually started up again. People petered out. Eventually only 5 of us were left. Then Birker insulted Nicola (different from the post-doc, this is my coursemate who also has Max as a supervisor) and she abruptly got up and left, just walked out. Awkward. The conversation after that was strained. And then there were four. Birker and Marie were talking about going to the cinema. He invited me. “What are you going to see?” They didn’t know, they were just going to see what was playing. I agreed. Birker had joined us later because he had changed out of his sub fusc (traditional attire for taking exams, for men it’s white tie). Ed went back to his to change so the three of us headed to the Odeon on George St. The only thing playing was Coraline which I had wanted to see ages ago back in the States.

We were a bit late. We got into the queue and when she asked if we were paying separately or together Marie and I said separately at the exact same time as Birker said together. We both knew better than to argue with him. We found our seats and it had already started. It was visually stunning, very Burton-esque which I appreciated. The story line was a bit dark. After we got out it was raining. Luckily I always have an umbrella with me (hey, it’s England, come on). I parted ways with them and waited for a bus to take me back up toward Wolfson.

I got back to my room and felt disorientated. I felt numb. I didn’t feel elated after the exams, this day had certainly not gone as I had envisioned it, celebrating and getting smashed with my coursemates. I thought about Nicola’s poor wife. I thought about all the people in pain over his death. I thought about all the death’s in my life. I didn’t know what to do with myself. My dad called full of questions about how it went. I told him what happened and he was appropriately shocked and horrified. My mom when I spoke with her didn’t really focus much on the death but took a more cycle of life approach and encouraged me to celebrate. I think I watched Wonderfalls some more and ate dinner. I went to bed at 10:30pm, the probably the earliest I’ve gone to bed in 10 years.

I wish I felt better. I guess I kept trying to ignore the fact that I'm still not 100% after the accident. The days that followed were hellish but surprisingly I wasn't in a lot of pain. Well for the first few days I couldn't keep the eye open for more than a few hours at a time. That was really uncomfortable. I couldn't watch anything and I couldn't read but luckily I had no trouble dozing in and out of sleep. It's all kind of hazy. I remember Sofia bringing me a spoon and I had some yogurt for breakfast. She wanted to stay home on Friday but I told her I'd be fine, I'd be mostly sleeping anyway. I remember writing emails to people to spread the word about my condition. Thank god for Valium, there is no way I would have been able to sleep in the night without it because I had slept so much during the day. I remember she made some sort of Portuguese chicken and rice dish that she gave me for lunch one day. It was great. She made me toast and brought me water. I made sure that I was drinking a lot when I was awake. The dizziness was overwhelming though. Whenever I'd turn my head on my pillow at night the room would spin and I'd grip my bed feeling like I was in a snow globe, waiting for the flakes and chaos to settle once again.

On Monday 1 June I attempted to contact the college offices about seeing if I could postpone my exams. They seemed to think that I might be able to resit them in September. I asked what would happen to my DPhil offer though, because it was contingent upon my exam results. They told me to contact the department. When I did they basically told me that even IF they allowed me to postpone I would have to resit NEXT JUNE, which would basically be the same as if I had failed the year. I emailed Robin, Justin and Max explaining the situation. Justin got back to me first, saying that he was so sorry about the accident but that the University was very rigid and strict when it came to these things and he doubted whether they’d budge. Robin responded after him saying pretty much the same thing. I called Caroline Davidson in the office and asked her if there was any reason that I should still get a medical certificate. She said it might still be good to have it on file and perhaps the examiners would take it into consideration when marking my exam. I wondered how the exams could possibly be anonymous if they knew my medical condition. It didn’t matter. I started to try and do some more reading for mind and culture or for human evolution. I asked dad to send me my old revision notes and I tried to go through them for human evolution and just felt really overwhelmed. I don’t know if I can do this. I talked to my dad later and he gave me a pep talk and told me to stop trying to read new things and just review my notes.

On Tuesday 2 June I just read over my primate notes and organized which topics I was definitely covering. Then I attempted to go through all my human evolution notes. I called the Banbury Road Medical Centre to see about getting the medical certificate. The receptionist said she’d have the doctor call me. He called a little while later and we chatted. He said he would write up a letter for me and I could pick it up the next day. I continued to study and read.

On Wednesday 3 June I was supposed to get my stitches out. Jessica came with me. We took a cab back to the A&E. I told them at reception that the doctors told me to come back here to get them removed. Luckily they had told someone that I was coming so I was expected. They sent someone down from Max Fac (maxillary and facial division). She was a young South Asian doctor who was really nice. I asked if Jessica could come in and she said yes. Then Jessica asked if I wanted to hold her hand and I nodded. The doctor told me to lay back and I did. She took them out but I felt a bit faint afterward. She suggested that I make an appointment with the GP next week to make sure everything is okay. Then Jessica suggested we go to lunch. We had the taxi drop us off in Summertown so I could pick up the medical certificate that Dr. Maddison wrote up for me. Then we had lunch at Marks and Spencer’s and did some shopping. I hadn’t bought food in a long time. I studied a bit more after I got back.

I truly think that my body and brain were so exhausted from everything that had happened that I couldn’t physically or mentally summon up the energy to get panicked or nervous about the exams. I had a very fatalistic attitude about them, they will be what they will be. At the end of the week I felt okay about my first two exams and the worst about my last one which would be on a Wednesday. I watched episodes of Wonderfalls to relax. It was like cracking open the emergency kit, I opened the new dvds and popped them into my computer. I love Bryan Fuller. I made sure to carbo load the night before my first exam eating my spinach and ricotta stuffed ravoli.

28 May 2009

In the shower I felt okay but as I was finishing up trying to part my hair to the other side I realized I needed to get out. I remembered being trapped in the bathroom when I had almost fainted before, unable to unlock the door, the scramble to get out. I wrapped my hair quickly and messily in a towel, unlocked the door, and grabbed my towel attempting to throw it around myself. I stumbled through the hallway and the rest I don’t really remember. I remember hearing myself whack against something and then whack again. When I could manage to get up I realized both my towels had come off and I was sprawled naked in the hallway by the door to the flat. I quickly threw my towel around myself and stumbled to my door, tripping over something on the way. I wretched it open with shaky hands and rewrapped my hair. I spread my big towel on the ground and lay there, broken and shaking.

The pain I noticed immediately. The left side of my body felt as though it had been pummeled and my face throbbed. Tears spilled down my face even though I wasn’t crying. After who knows how long I attempted to open my eyes. It hurt on my left side, it hurt even to blink. Suddenly I was scared to assess the damage. I didn’t want to see. I was shaky and weak. When I sat up I noticed both my legs were scraped up and my right patella looked swollen, my right thigh was already starting to bruise. I got up and put some underwear on, unsure of what to wear.

I decided to retrieve my robe from the bathroom, so I wrapped the towel around me and shakily walked into the kitchen to get a glass, then into the bathroom to get my robe. Back in my room I took two Advil, still refusing to look in the mirror. I put on the robe and laid down on my bed wishing for mind-numbing television. Placing my computer on my legs and searching for something to watch seemed like too much effort. I looked at what I had tripped over. Sofia had left a book and a long note in front of my door. I read the note. Something to make me laugh, that’s what I needed. I also needed to make sure I wasn’t going into shock. I poured myself a glass of orange juice. I attempted to braid my hair and then laid down on my bed propped up by pillows. I pulled my David Sedaris book over and read while I sipped my orange juice.

After a few stories, not particularly funny, I realized I needed to assess the damage. I wondered if I’d need to go to the hospital. Maybe I had a concussion. But probably not and even if worse came to worse and I had fractured my cheekbone there was nothing they could do about that, so really there was no point. I was in pain but all they would tell me was to take ibuprofen which I had. I didn’t want to but I thought I’d better just get it over with. I hobbled over to my sink. Slowly I raised my eyes. I wasn’t prepared for the blood.

I looked like that horrible photo of Rihanna after the Chris Brown incident, but that was after she had been cleaned up. Blood streamed down the left side of my face and into my hair by my ear. What I had thought were tears were actually rivulets of blood. It was all over my eyebrow and eyelid, no wonder it hurt to open my this eye. Fuck. I started to cry, I had no idea it was this bad. Then my eyes roamed up to notice the massive contusion on my forehead. A bump bigger than a ping-pong ball had formed on the left side, extending from the hairline to my eyebrow.
I tried splashing a little water on the side of my face. It was painful and ineffectual. I managed to clear a smear of blood that trailed from my cheek into my hairline but that was about it. Fuck. I looked like a bleeding gargoyle. I grabbed some Q-tips and gently put then under running water and used them to clean around the area reminded of how Whitney used them to fix her eyeliner. I cried and tried to steady my shaking hands as I gently swabbed the area. I wondered where the cut actually was. All I needed to do was clean myself up and lie down. But as I used swab after swab, cleaning the blood, practically scrubbing it from my eyebrow, I realized the blood was still fresh. If I couldn’t stop the bleeding that was going to be a problem. I tried to clean myself up as best as I could, clearing what looked like smeared iodine from my eyelid. The cut was very close to my eye and I cried, still bloody, realizing I’d done all I could.

They don’t call it the ER in the UK, it’s A&E, accidents and emergencies. It’s funny how the British are so calm and civilized even in these circumstances. I called the lodge once I realized that fuck, maybe I do need to go to the hospital. “Um, I think I need to go to the hospital or to a doctor.” “What happened?” I told them. “Call the medical center.” He gave me the number and told me to ask them which one I should go to. He sounded mildly bored as he read me the number. I started to cry afterward. I blew my nose before I called the medical center. “Banbury Road Medical Centre, may I help you?” The same conversation for the most part, “Um, I think I need to go to the hospital or to a doctor.” “What happened?” “I fell and hit my head, I have quite a large bump and I’m bleeding.” “Please hold while I consult with someone.” Silence. I started to cry again. “Yes?” I tried to clear my throat. “Yes, hello?” “Go to A&E.” “Thanks?” I managed before I hung up and cried some more. Fuck. I blew my nose again and called the Lodge back. “They said I need to go to A&E.” “Okay.” “What do I do?” “Call a taxi.”

Fuck. I was scared and alone. I hate hospitals and doctors. I contemplated calling my mom and dad, but it was 2:45am in LA and I didn’t want to panic them. I imagine that’s one of the worse calls you can get as a parent. “Hi mom and dad, sorry to wake you up but I’m bleeding and hurt and going to the ER. I’m halfway around the world bleeding and about to go to the hospital in a god damn taxi.” No ambulance, no “Oh my god, are you okay?” from anyone at the Lodge, or the medical center, or the taxi company for that matter.

I’ve never been to the doctor on my own before, let alone the ER. I cried some more but didn’t call mom and dad. I contemplated calling Whitney but I knew she’d panic too. I wished someone could come with me. I looked at the list of phone numbers next to my phone remembering how Jay came with me to the Banbury Road Medical Centre. A fat lot of good he was. I don’t even talk to any of the people on this list anymore. Kerrie’s name flashed in the list. My dream about our reconcillation still fresh in my mind. I guess I didn’t realize how much that hurt. I saw Catherine’s name on the list. It was Thursday which meant she’d be done with her weekly essay. I called, hoping my voice wouldn’t crack when she picked up the phone. But it just rang and rang. I hung up and cried a bit more, feeling utterly alone.

I called the taxi company and realized I needed to get dressed. I didn’t want to go out in public like this. I looked like the poster child for domestic abuse and my excuse was so feeble, “I fell.” I couldn’t sound more cliché if I tried. My favorite sunglasses had broken, the big ones that covered half my face. Then I spotted the other big pair I had, the Kanye West/MIA/Lady Gaga –ish ones. I took them to the mirror and sure enough they covered my face, I was mildly relieved and grateful. I wore my loose 7 jeans and a green spaghetti strap shirt. That’s when I noticed the scrapes on my shoulders. I cried a little more and tried to control my breathing and keep it together. By the time the second text arrived informing me my taxi had arrived I put on a leather jacket and stuffed a sweater, a banana and my David Sedaris book into my purse. I wanted to wear a comfy sweatshirt but I figured the Jesus sweatshirt, the only zip up one I considered, might offend people. My other hoodies would require me to pull them over my head and I didn’t think that would be such a good idea. I gingerly put on the sunglasses and walked to the Lodge and into the waiting taxi.

The trip was longer than I thought it would be. Apparently there is only one A&E in Oxford and it’s at the John Radcliffe hospital, on the top of the Headington Hill. The trip cost me £5.80. I stepped out of the taxi at 11am and walked into reception and up to the window, there was no one there (no line either). Then a youngish guy stepped up on the other side. He started to ask me some basic questions (name, address, what happened), I took off my glasses then. When he was done he handed me some paperwork and told me to put it in the slot marked triage. At 11:10am I placed the papers in the slot.

At 11:30am the triage nurse saw me. She wiped down the cut with a saline solution. Then she said she wanted to test my blood after I repeated my story of what happened, she was concerned about the fainting. I was starting to get worked up at the prospect of having a blood test but then she explained that she was going to prick my finger, like they do for diabetics. She took my blood sugar with one of those machines and said it was normal. She took my blood pressure and heart rate and handed me a narrow plastic tube. “What’s this for?” “A urine sample.” She gave me a package of gauze in case I started to drip again and told me to wait outside for the doctor.

I went to the bathroom. How could they give me such a narrow small cylinder to collect a sample in? I remembered ages ago at Kaiser how they had a wide cup. What did they want over here, for me to pee all over my hands?! I managed some how wondering how much would be enough. 5mL? Better safe than sorry I guess. When I came back into the reception area the nurse was gone so I’d have to wait to give her my sample. I sat there with my warm pee clutched in my left hand and though about how weird this all was. That’s when I started writing all of this down. I think it’s good to distract myself, I wished I had a notebook but typing this out is just fine. I felt a tear stream down my face only to realize it was blood. I walked into the bathroom and opened the package of gauze the nurse had given me grateful for it. “Is this necessary?” I had asked when she asked me if I wanted gauze, I had assumed that she meant to tape some to my face but instead she handed me a package and said it was incase I started to drip, it was more hygienic than a tissue. I slipped it into my purse. Now in the bathroom mirror I looked at the tears of blood running down my left cheek, truly tears as they were coming from the corner of my eye. I blotted them gently away and put the rest of the gauze back in my purse for later.

I started to feel hungry and so I ate the banana I had packed, grateful to myself for the foresight. At 12:50pm the doctor saw me. He asked me the same questions and checked my arm for injuries. Then he said I needed to see some plastic surgeons. Was I really that bad? I asked if I’d need stitches and he said yes, he thought it was too risky near the eye to tape and that I would need to have “plastics” look at me. The nurse had mentioned that she though the facial people might need to see me. “What does that mean?” I had asked. “Oh, don’t worry! It’s not like it’s plastics!” was her response, “they specialize in facial injuries.” The doctor said he would call up to them and for me to wait. I sat on the bench, in the little cubicle, waiting, anxious, wishing I could call my parents and calculating when I would be able to call (even though I had no service in the hospital). I started to type again.

After half and hour a male nurse came and told me that they tried to call up but couldn’t get anyone. He asked me to wait back outside in the reception area and they’d call me when they got someone. So now here I sit in the lobby, I’ve been bleeding for at least 3.5 hours, maybe more. I feel hungry again and found some chocolate chip cookie biscuit type things I had saved from the airplane. I had put them in my purse as a library snack. They tasted really good, I couldn’t tell if it was just because I was pretty hungry though, airplane food doesn’t tend to be great. I wish I had thought to stick a granola bar in there but I hadn’t imagined I’d be this long. I’m running low on water too.

I read my book until 2pm. Then I stepped outside to call home. I broke down immediately upon hearing my father’s groggy voice. I talked to my parents for about 25 minutes, crying and blowing my nose as I told them what happened. Dad said I should ask them for a pack of ice. Mom insisted I text Sofia and Catherine and let them know, she said not to isolate myself. After I got off the phone with them I requested some ice from the nurses station. I went to the bathroom, peeled away a piece of gauze from the package and put it on my face before pressing the ice pack to my still bleeding wound. I kept applying pressure, my face didn’t feel that cold, only my hands did.

I constructed text messages to Sofia, Catherine and Jessica and then stepped outside to send them. I held the ice on my face for an hour while attempting to read my David Sedaris book with one eye. It must have been quite a sight, one hand holding ice to my head, the other holding a book. After an hour I went back to the bathroom and gingerly peeled the gauze off my face which was stuck to my skin with the congealed blood. I threw the bloody gauze away along with the bag of now almost completely melted ice. I went back to the nurse’s station to try and ask if anyone from plastics had come down yet, they said not yet. As I walked back to the reception I heard someone call my name. “Morgan!” I turned and saw Catherine coming toward me. I was shocked. “I’ve been trying to contact you since I got your message! Why didn’t you call me earlier?” I hugged her and we stepped outside. I started to cry almost immediately upon seeing a familiar face. I pulled off my glasses and she grimaced. “I tried to call you before I left but you didn’t answer,” I replied. “How long have you been here?” “Since 11am,” I answered. She looked absolutely horrified. “You’ve been here alone all this time?” I nodded and held onto to her as I cried somewhat ashamed but too overwhelmed to care. “I tried to call Kerrie and Aurelie but they said they didn’t know anything.” I barked out a bitter laugh pulling away from her. “Kerrie doesn’t care. I only texted you and Sofia and Jessica.” Her eyes sparkled a bit with unshed tears, “Of course she cares!” “No she doesn’t, you don’t understand. She hasn’t spoken to me in months, she can’t even look me in the eye.” “She does! She was worried about you! She said that if you stayed overnight in the hospital she’d come visit.” I tried rolling my eyes but it hurt. I could see there was no point in arguing with her.

We went back inside and she explained that she was on her way to London for a funeral for the former President of South Korea who had committed suicide last week. “I’m sorry I can’t stay longer,” she said, “but Sofia is coming right now, she’ll be here soon.” “Sofia is coming? But she’s at work.” “Of course she is coming.” I told her it was fine, she should go, I’d be fine. She told me she was sorry again and hesitantly left me. Sofia came shortly thereafter. I felt like bursting into tears when I saw her but I restrained myself. Kanishka arrived a little after she did. She told me that she ran all the way from her lab. I was very touched. Kanishka bought me a Ribena and told me to drink. He tried to get me to eat something but I told him I wasn’t hungry. They stayed with me until I was released. At some points I felt numb, at others I was panicking thinking about my exams, the possible damage to my face and possibly my brain. My eyes swam with unshed tears and I blinked rapidly as they felt down my cheeks. “You’re crying,” he observed. I nodded. “Don’t worry, everything is going to be fine.”

I couldn’t stop the tears several times. When I thought of my family, so far away and how I missed them and just wanted them to hold me and take care of me. When panic threatened to cripple me as I thought of my exams and what was at stake. My entire future was on the line, my doctorate at Oxford, what would be the pinnacle of my academic career was in jeopardy. When I thought of the former friends I had who were no longer relevant at all. So much emotion was brought up. Catherine’s brief visit has been the tip of the iceberg. The pain was still raw from the dream I’d had this morning, I felt so alone and isolated. I knew part of this was vanity on my part, there was no way I would have knocked on her door, broken and bleeding, expecting, no essentially forcing her, to care about me. When I thought of those who did come. Sometimes you find kindness in the most unexpected places. I would have never thought that Kanishka would leave work in the middle of the day and stay with me for several hours. I honestly didn’t want to bother Sofia at work and had no idea that she would come running, literally. Their kindness overwhelmed me and contributed to the tears I shed.

After an agonizingly long time I found a nurse who had been there earlier and he said that the people from plastics were down and seeing the people before me, but I would be soon. Finally they called me and Sofia and Kanishka came with. They didn’t have the room ready yet and they sanitized the gurney and laid new linens on it. I asked the nurse if they could come with me but he said no because there wasn’t even room. The first doctor who came to see me was a fairly young white British guy. He came in, asked me what happened and then said he was going to consult with his colleague who was known for being very good with facial stitching. The second doctor was a British South Asian guy. I asked them what they were going to do and they said that they’d put me under local anesthesia. I asked if it was going to be topical and they said no, they were going to inject around the area to numb it, they said what they were using was called Lytocaine in the states.

I tried to put my fear of needles out of my head and wished I had someone’s hand to hold. I tried to grip the linens but it didn’t work well. Instead I drew my arm across my stomach and curled my hand around the fabric of my shirt. They told me to lie back and relax. They washed it with a saline solution before they began to inject me. It felt like they must have injected me at least 8 times. It stung and hurt and I winced and sucked in my breath, unsuccessfully attempting to stifle my whimpers of pain. They apologized every time I winced. Then waited a minute to let the anesthesia take effect. “Can you feel this?” they asked. “No,” I replied terrified that they were sticking a needle into my face at random. “Good, just try to breathe.” The thing about stitches is that although they numbed me so that I wouldn’t feel any pain, I could still feel them sewing me up, still feel the thread pulling through my skin. I winced and jerked trying not to squeeze my eyes shut tight each time I could feel them. They apologized profusely each time I gasped and winced. The British are nothing if not polite. Finally they finished. They told me they’d give me some ointment to put on the wound twice a day. I asked how long the anesthesia would last and they said about 1.5 hours.

They noticed my left cheek was particularly tender and so they send me for X-rays next. The X-rays took a very short time, there was no queue and they called me almost immediately. The X-ray technician asked me to unbraid my hair, she was afraid it might interfere with the X-ray. She asked me why I looked so nervous, I told her I wasn’t. She had my lying down on a long bedlike thing as she adjusted the machine. I thought about the last time I had an X-ray which was probably at Papa’s office when I had my teeth examined. He always placed a great big lead sheet around the rest of our bodies to protect us. “Um should the rest of my body be exposed?” I asked, wondering where the lead apron was now. “Yes, we don’t need to cover anything,” she replied. I tried to remember when I last had an X-ray at Kaiser. Did they cover the rest of me up? I couldn’t remember. When I was 10 I had my lungs X-rayed for pneumonia. I couldn’t remember if they covered me when I had my wrist X-rayed when I sprained it at sports camp.

As I lay on the table my whole body started to tremble, then shake more and more violently. I couldn’t help it. It was the first time I had laid down since that fateful morning and the stress and trauma was leaking out of me. I tried to get myself under control but it was hard. She came back and adjusted my head and took some more X-rays. Then I rejoined Sofia and Kanishka. Sofia had left her things at her lab so she went back to get them while we had to wait for the doctors to look at my X-rays. The pain started to flare up as we waited for the results. Kanishka was very kind and put his arm around me. He told me that I should have no problems postponing my exams, that usually they were very understanding about these sort of things. His words comforted me as I tried not to think about the fact that my exams were a little more than a week away. Finally the white British doctor reviewed my X-rays and told me that they could not rule out a hairline fracture, but even if that were the case it wouldn’t matter because there was nothing they could do about those anyway. He told me to take pain killers as needed. I asked him if he didn’t think that I needed something stronger and he said no. He told me to come back to the A&E next Wednesday to have the stitches removed, he said he didn’t think the GP should take them out, but someone from their department. The pain was increasing now so I took two Advil. The nurse brought me an ointment tube and said I could go. This was at 7:10pm. Total time spent in the A&E = 8 hours.

Sofia arrived just as Kanishka and I were coming back into the reception area. Sofia had run there and back again and had fallen on her way back, showing us the scrape on her knee as proof of her devotion. Sofia and I got into the taxi Kanishka had ordered for us while he cycled after us. When we arrived back at the flat I was starting to feel hungry. I was grateful that I had made pasta sauce. I boiled up some spinach and ricotta filled tortellini and ate it. Sofia was so doting; her kindness overwhelmed me. She said she would stay in my room, sleep on the floor, to make sure I was okay. I told her it wasn’t necessary. I insisted that she sleep in her bed but promised I’d tell her if I needed anything. I was so grateful that I had Valium on me. I was so worried about how I was going to get to sleep, worried about the pain I expected when I woke up. I spoke to my parents again. I tweeted what happened and then got ready for bed. I put more ointment on my wound and laid a towel across my pillows so that I wouldn’t get blood or ointment on the pillowcases. I popped half a Valium and read my David Sedaris book until I felt myself drifting off. I didn’t feel the sweet relief that I had when I had taken it before, I wondered if I should have taken the whole thing. But a restful sleep I did have.

I didn't do any work on Friday. I meant to but it just didn't happen. I slept in, took a shower and then went into town to get groceries. I tried to really stock up, bought a ton of juice and Vitamin water. Then I came back and had to put everything away and I cleaned out the fridge too. The drawer was disgusting filled with slimy rotten vegetables. I considered it a mental and physical health day. I was really drained on Thursday. It's been harder for me to fall asleep lately and I feel less rested when I get up in the mornings. So yesterday I watched episodes of True Blood. It's great, it makes me want to reread all the books. Alan Ball is so creative. I don't mind the minor changes, so far it's pretty close to the books which I appreciate.

I know that studying for exams is going to be a really stressful period. I've started with my Mind and Culture course and I've been putting the petal to the metal so to speak. I think the most tell tale sign that I'm stressed out though is that I started reading fic again. I found a story that I had started to read ages ago and it's been added too. I haven't done it in so long, with the exception of searching for some Mortal Instruments fic after I finished the book which was all of course horrible and turned me off the idea. But going back to HP fic is extremely gratifying I'm almost shocked to admit. Oh well, whatever helps me cope right now.

Today I woke up naturally at 9:30, had a yogurt for breakfast and was in the library by 10:30am. I told myself to take it easy and I think I'm managing my stress better. I put in 8 hours in the library and I did another hour of reading back in my room. I think at the moment 9 hours is my max, when I did 10 that's when I started to feel like I was at a breaking point. I've got to remember to do things in moderation and to take care of myself.

Well today was Day 3 of my revision and I can say that I don't even have the time to feel screwed because there is just no room in the schedule. I worked 10 hours today and 9 each the previous days. I read an entire book on Monday and attempted to do the same on Tuesday, didn't quite finish though. I finished Tomasello's book today and started Mapping the Mind which I'm not enjoying. Let's see a lot has happend since I last wrote but I don't have time to go into that, I'll just say Whitney's graduation was fun and my Cambridge conference was a lot of fun as well. I really had a great time and felt rejuvenated afterwards and excited about my field. Unlike now, I'm totally exhausted, but I think I'm holding up ok. Sleep is so sweet. Tonight as I was leaving the library I ran into Kanishka and he came back to our flat and then suggested we order a pizza. He ordered a pizza with double cheese, double pepperoni, chicken, bacon and jalapenos on it with 2 orders of pototo wedges and a coke. I had two pieces (sans the jalapenos which I gave to him). It was nice to eat something warm. Oh yeah on Sunday my flatmate gave me a cheesecake. Long story short, she slept in my bed on Saturday night. So now I've been munching on a raspberry swirl cheesecake all week. Oh I started to watch True Blood on Sunday night. I'm on episode 3 now, it makes me want to go back and reread all the Sookie Stackhouse books. So far I like. I'm totally knackered when I stumble back to my flat and attempt to eat something but I think it just makes the sleep that more precious.

I'm really in the thick of it now. Been working on stats all day and it's a veritable nightmare, I have little to no idea what I'm doing. It makes me panicky and anxious. Ugh I'm going to have to throw together my thesis presentation in a few hours tomorrow and hope for the best on Wednesday. I've hit the wall. I need to chill out for a while.

I think I'm starting to get into the groove of everything, cautiously optimistic at this point. I have 2 out of 3 stats questions done and I'm making progress on my dissertation research although it always seems like there is more reading I need to do. Good news is I really like reading these articles, I find them really interesting. I miss LA a lot. I was so sad to find that Indie 103.1 had gone off the air when I was home but I found it online and can listen to it still! I felt the LA vibe today as I was listening while doing my work today. Through all the rain and grayness I just tried to focus on my work. It's probably not good that I'm kinda hermit-y at the moment, oh well. I finished the last of the Mortal Instruments trilogy, City of Glass, two days ago, now I have nothing to read. I'm trying to restrain myself from totally diving into another fandom and reading fic but it's a struggle. But I ordered a book over the weekend so hopefully it will get here this week. It is weird that my goal when I take a shower is don't pass out? I guess the last time kinda scarred me, now if I make it out of the bathroom on my own two feet and I can see straight I consider it a victory. Take that deadly bathroom of doom!

Twitter kinda freaks me out but I'm also really curious about it. I think I'm starting to get into it though. It's just so weird that you can actually have a real time look at what a celebrity's online life is like. I made myself a smoothie today, they always make me happy because they remind me of home. I went to bed early last night! Well early for me (12:30), I think it's good I keep myself on a fairly regular schedule. So far it's been working, I'm waking up around 9 everyday without an alarm. I give myself a soft start so I don't start working until 10:30 or 11 but I'm putting in 6 hours of work everyday. I'm hoping to increase my tolerance to 8 eventually but my stamina isn't quite there yet. Oh I've been doing yoga every other day too! Yea for me! I'm really excited to go to NY, but as the date approach my exams loom! Oh well, still looking forward to seeing my family and my sister graduate! Just got to zen it out and stay focussed!

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted on here. I remember I started this when I first came to the UK, when I was in London, to try and capture all of my experiences. Now I'm back in the UK, this time at Oxford. A lot has changed. I was having a great time in Oxford until my social life blew up in my face at the end of the second term (it's a trimester system). It's been hard being back here now, I don't really want to deal with anyone, I'm not sure anything is salvageable at this point. Going through something like this really makes me grateful for the friends I have. People who still love and care about me after years. I didn't want things to come out in the open because when the dust settled I wasn't sure who would be left on my side. And as it turns out the deck was stacked against me. But it made me realize that the friendships I do have are true and enduring. Maybe it will be therapeutic to start writing again. We'll see, I have a lot of work coming up at the moment. I have a statistics exam due 12 May, a thesis presentation the first week of May, and I'm leaving for New York to go to my sister's graduation on 8 May. Then I have my exams coming up (8,9,10 June) and all the while I'm supposed to be doing my masters thesis. But the key to life is balance. I could balance anything my final year at Brandeis, it nearly broke me. Hopefully this will be different, hopefully I'll be back.

I finally, finally, finished HP7. I hated the epilogue. Not quite sure what to think yet. I will never be able to accept that ending. It's not in me.

May 21st, 2007

Yesterday was graduation. Which in retrospect was actually a pretty great day.

Back track.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007: Out to lunch with Amanda, Claudia and Katherine. Raining like crazy. Tree Top thai. Came back watched E! for hours. Saw E! True Hollywood Story of Tyra Banks. Met Sandia. Saw Yael and Ariel (front row Israeli guy from orgo and bio that asked Amanda out). Made everyone drinks. Met Jordan Rothman(?). Made drinks for everyone. Yael’s friends made chocolate chip cookies. YUM. Cute chemistry guy, a sophmore named Dan. Tried to guess my major and when he said chemistry he said,
“No, too good to be true.” Which made me melt a little inside. He watched tv with us then went to watch a movie called the In Laws with Jeremy Heyman, he invited us to join but Katherine and I watched the Sun vs. Spurs game. Then Yael and Jordan came back for the end of the game which was really good because the Spurs pulled it out in the last 5 minutes! Then we watched the Covenant with us later. Stayed up until 3:30am!

Thursday, May 17, 2007: Stayed up late, slept late, went to return solutions manual to Melissa. Sold back my orgo lab book. Cute guy in the bookstore helped me. Then Katherine and I ate at Einsteins. Waited for Austin to come. He arrived, introduced him to Katherine, took him on a mini-tour of campus. We watched tv in the lounge against with Sandia and Jordan and Katherine. I made guacamole for Austin. Katherine got ready for the cruise. Austin and I took the commuter rail to Porter Square, then took the red line to Harvard Square. I showed him around Cambridge, the Garage, Finale’s, Café Algiers, we were in Newbury comics when Dad called and said we should meet theme in the North End for dinner. We took the T to Government Center and got to the restaurant first. Austin and I split a glass of white wine. Then Mom, Dad and Papa arrived. We had dinner, it was ok, the ravioli were good. London picked up Whitney later from South Station. It took us forever to find the hotel in Bedford, they told us the wrong exit at first. Anyway I stayed there that night. Austin stayed in Papa’s room.

Friday, May 18, 2007: Picked up Whitney and Austin from London’s in Medford and then we ate breakfast at a place called Sound Bytes which she recommended. Went to the Kennedy library. Dropped Whitney and Austin back at London’s. Found out Austin has some crazy stalker. They stayed at Tufts. The fam tried Anna’s burritos. Dad was impressed. We ate at Café Algiers and Finale’s. Split chicken kebab sandwich with mom and they ordered appetizers of homous, tabuli and other stuff. All so yummy. Then Finale’s. Dad walked up to put our name in and the host extends his hand out to Dad and says, good evening Professor. LOL. We got seated very quickly. It was awesome. Pineapple upside down cake and Magnanimous Molten Chocolate Cake. OMG so good.

Saturday, May 19, 2007: Stayed at Brandeis. Katherine and I had Einstein’s bagels and coffee with my parents and papa who ate at the hotel. Then we headed to the MFA. Whitney and Austin were supposed to meet us back at Brandeis but couldn’t catch the commuter rail so we picked them up at a restaurant called Charlie’s in Porter Square. Then we went to the MFA. It was pretty good. Then we went back to the hotel for Happy Hour. The bar tender didn’t know what the hell he was doing. Do you have peach juice? No. Then I asked, can you make a Mai Tai? And he said no. Then he said wait, and started flipping through a book to look it up. I said never mind, I’ll just tell you what do to. And so I told him to give me Malibu rum, pineapple juice, orange juice and grenadine. Katherine got the same thing. Whitney got vodka tonic. Mom got a gin and tonic. Papa got a beer. If you bought a drink more than $5 you could get free appetizers. Which were nasty, but whatevs. I had some onion rings and some crackers. They had taquitos, onion rings, chicken tenders and a mount of ziti. We were watching E! THS of the Osbornes. Then we went to Durgin Park. Julie met us there. Talking to Uncle Robert all day back and forth. Was he coming? Would he make it? Where was the Fung Wah? Etc… He made it to dinner. I got Yankee pot roast, mom got roasted pork loin. We got a bottle of white wine for the table. Then all of us (10 people) piled into the car. We drove Julie back to Brookline which was a mish. Then we dropped Katherine and I back at Brandeis. It turns out Uncle Robert lost his cane in the taxi from the bus station. Oh Uncle Robert, wah wah wah. We consulted as to what we should wear. Katherine let me borrow a top. Most unfortunately I had a pimple on my chest which was quite red. Plus it was rainy and cold the entire time. I wasn’t going to wear a dress. But was it really ok to wear my combat boots? Hell yes.

Sunday, May 20, 2007: I woke up when mom called me at 6:20 am. My alarm had been set for 6:30am. They were on their way. I got up and brushed my teeth. Then I put on the shirt I decided upon and some black pants with my combat books. They called again and I grabbed some makeup threw it in my purse and grabbed my cap and gown and went out to meet them. We went to Einstein’s where everyone got bagels or coffee or whatever. I still had plenty of meals to feed everyone. I really didn’t know how to put on the hood part of the cap and gown. It was weird. I went into the Shapiro campus center bathroom to change and tried to figure it out. I put on some eyeshadow and lipstick. Then I joined everyone. We had to get to Sherman Function Hall so that everyone could get seats. Right when we walked in I saw Sam. OMG so awkward, I had to introduce him to my whole family. He like tried to hug me and I backed away. Whitney was like why are you being rude to the that guy and I was like Whitney don’t even start. Austin and I ran into Professor McIntosh before the ceremony. Anyway I started off sitting with the family. Then Prof. Paramentier had all the students move to the front two rows. We had the ceremony and all my anth professors where there, Ferry, Lamb, McIntosh, and because it was joint with Linguistics Prof. Hung and Malamud were there. Prof. Schattschenedier (sp?) gave a long kind of tedious speech that people were nodding off too. The other speeches were good. They called our names, majors, minors and honors if any. All I heard was them call my name and say something about Anthropology and my linguistics minor. Professor Golden (who is pretty cute actually) was reading the names and Professor McIntosh was handed us the diplomas. I went to stand where we were supposed to and all I could think was that my GPA had tanked and I didn’t make it. All I wanted was to graduate with honors and I failed. Oh well. I tried to just get over it. So I stood there as more people filled around. Austin came around and took some pictures. Then really tall people came in front of my and I was completely obscured. The tall girl in front of me switched places with me so I could see. We sat down relatively quickly. Practically every name called was a double or triple major with two or three minors. It was insane, but that’s Brandeis. Then Latin American studies was called and then Language and Linguistics. It’s weird, for LAS they called out all the minors and had them stand up there but with Ling they didn’t do that. Whatevs. Then I went to find my family. “Did you know? Did you know?” they asked. “Know what?” I said confused. “About the honors!” “What?!” I said. “You graduated Cum Laude, didn’t you hear?!” “NO!” I started to laugh and relief washed over me. I couldn’t believe it. The entire time I sat there and thought that I didn’t make it. I was so happy. Ridiculously happy. But we had to jet out of there, there was no time to stick around.

We got out at 9:55 and had to jet out to Gosman. It was raining hard and I didn’t have an umbrella so I threw my pea coat over me. They wouldn’t let us cross the street so we had to go across the bridge. It was a pain. Then I called Katherine to try and meet up with her. I found her and Charlotte in line. It sucked because they put everyone outside the baseball field to feed into Gosman and a lot of people didn’t have umbrellas. Luckily Charlotte did and I took one from mom before I dashed out into the rain. We stood out there for a while before being funnelled into the auditorium. They had people taking our picture before we walked in which slowed down the process a lot. We all sat in a row together behind all the Bad Grammar boys. I started nodding off during Jedua Reinhardz speech. Katherine nudged me to keep me awake. Thomas Friedman gave the keynote address which was good. They tried to release balloons and the one on our side didn’t work and got stuck. It was awkward and so Brandeis. Katherine and I walked out together to try to rendezvous with our parents. It took a ridiculous amount of time to find them.

Katherine went back inside the stadium to find her parents because they wanted to take pictures of her on the stage. I met up with my family and we went to Ruby Tuesday’s for lunch. I split the ribs with mom, it was yummy. Then Whitney wanted to go shopping and there was an Old Navy across the way which was having a swimsuit sale. So all 7 of us went. Austin and Dad threw around a football in the front of the store while Uncle Robert and Papa sat outside the store in vibrating massage chairs in the mall. I really wanted to get back so I could meet up with Katherine, Maria and Sheela. I didn’t get to say goodbye to Katherine. She had left by the time I got back. I was really bummed but at least I had Sheela and Maria to be with. Packed a bit. I had really put off my packing, I just couldn’t deal with it. Luckily Maria and Sheela were able to take a bunch of my stuff. Lambs and school supplies and food. I had a ton of stuff to get rid of. Later on I drove with Maria and Sheela (in Maria’s car) to Maggiano’s for dinner. Amanda was going to meet us there as was the rest of my family who were running late.

I was worried about keeping the reservation. Luckily we got down there relatively quickly and even managed to snag a free parking stop. Parking in Boston is such a bitch. It was so good to see Amanda again. I introduced her to my family. Then we were all seated together. We were forced to order family style because of our large party. OMG so much food. I’ve never seen so much food in my life! They brought out mozzarella marinara and bruschetta for appetizers, plates and plates of it. Then the salads. I was stuffed at that point. Then the pasta and the chicken came. So stuffed. Then the desserts, chocolate cake and tiramisu. I’ve never seen so much dessert! I wished I could eat more :( Everyone got along really well I was only sorry Katherine wasn’t there with us.

By the time we got out it was fairly late, too late for Maria to drive back to Connecticut. So we all had a sleepover in my room! I assumed Molly had moved out because her bed was stripped. It was so much fun, I can’t remember the last time I’d had a sleepover! I had plenty of pyjamas, pillows and blankets for everyone. Maria and Sheela shared Molly’s bed which I dressed up blankets and my comforter. We just talked and laughed and I realized just how special my friends were, and how much I was going to miss them. I know that sounds really cliché and maudlin, but that doesn’t make it any less true. It was one of the best nights of my life. Being with my friends, a great dinner, I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect evening.

Monday: In the morning we went to Einstein’s one last time for bagels and coffee. I still had points and meals to go around. We sat at a table overlooking the great lawn. It was hard to say goodbye. My family came and they said they should get going. I had prolonged the inevitable for long enough. We hugged and said goodbye. I watched them drive off. After that everything sped up into hyperdrive. We still had a lot of packing to do thanks to my negligence. So Papa, Dad, Mom and Uncle Robert (UR) helped me pack. Then Dad and UR went off and it was just Papa and my mom. I guess being a boatsman helps keep you organized. Papa was really good and gathering up all my cables and extension cords, just like rope on the boat I guess. We packed boxes and taped everything up. It was exhausting.

We all had lunch at the Stein. However, I didn’t know that they were no longer taking meals or points. Opps. Oh well. I got spinach artichoke dip. Dad ordered one of the specials which was a garden burger which sweet potato French fries. Papa got a tuna sandwhich. Austin got a buffalo chicken wrap and mom got a chicken Caesar wrap and a salad. They gave us chocolate chip cookies too. We had never had better service. It was weird. Then after lunch a lady fell down right in front of us as we were walking back from the Feldberg after returning my phone. She took quite a tumble and fell right on her face. She scraped up her arm and hand pretty bad. I asked her if she wanted me to call Bemco, some of the facility workers radioed for help already. Then we stopped in the bookstore for another moment and they shut off my card so I couldn’t get anything else from Einstein’s.

And that was it. It was off to the airport after that. I was on my way home. And that’s when I started to write all of this up. As I sat in the airport on May 21, 2007 and thought about what a whirlwind of a week this was I tried to write down all that I could remember. At home I’ve been completely unplugged. I apologize to anyone that might have tried to communicate with me. I hope to rejoin the digital world eventually.

ACK! It's so hard to concentrate. I can't wait for finals to be over. I was so exhausted after my orgo final yesterday. It was an explosive day. I either went out with a bang or a whimper, I couldn't tell. I was tired that I just couldn't work. I watched episodes of the Office thanks to my sister who got me seasons 1 & 2 for Christmas. OMG so want this all to be over with. It's so hard to focus on genetics after studying orgo for so long. Plus, true to fashion, the weather always get nice finals week. So it's finally sunny out and I can wear the clothes that don't make me feel like I'm in the frozen tundra, and wearing my reefs makes me feel like I'm home. But I'm stuck in the library 12 hours a day. Grrr. Looking forward to Friday and not looking forward to Friday...

I have my organic chemistry final a week from Monday and an anthro paper due the same day. Then on the 11th I have a genetics final and a linguistics paper due! I've spent all weekend on my anth presentation that I have to give tomorrow and on linguistics. I had to do like 7 problem sets and try to analyze the phonology of Tamil so I can figure out what the hell I'm supposed to write my paper about. GUH!!!

I went out on Friday night and didn't get much work done :( On the plus side we (Maria, Charlotte, Katherine and I) went to Cafe Algiers in Cambridge which was soooo yummy! It's so great to have friends who drive. Driving into Cambridge is so much better than taking a bus. I got mint tea which was devine, and the chocolate cake was really good! My chicken kebob wrap sandwhich thing was really good, I ate the whole thing. It was so nice to be out to dinner.

Saturday was frustrating. I stayed in all day and all night. I got locked out of my room. It was an unpleasant incident to say the least. The Brandeis Police are such assholes. I mean it's there JOB to help me if I'm locked out. It's not like they are doing anything else. The guy was such a dick. I felt abused after he left. He was a grade A slimeball.

Sheela, Maria, Charlotte and Katherine went to the 99 (a local restaurant) for dinner, but I stayed in and worked. I worked on my anthro presentation and tried to work on my anthro paper and tried to come up with a thesis that was relevant to some of the readings we did but I'm having trouble connecting what I want to say directly to the readings. ARG. Then I did ling.

Today I did even more ling. And I started my bio lab report which is due this Friday. I emailed Prof. McIntosh about what I should do for my topic, I explained what I was thinking about doing and how I was stuck and I also asked her for an extension. I might ask Prof. Hung for an extension too but it won't do much good because her paper is already due on the 11th and senior grades are due on the 14th.

I stopped working around 5:30 and was hungry. Dad said I should just order in food. So I called Katherine to see if she wanted to order thai food and she did, she also said Maria might want to. I called Maria and we ended up going to the market and then picking up Thai food on our way back. It was so nice to get out after being in the dorms for 2 days. Also they had avocados for .99! I bought four :) Avocados are my (and my brother's) favorite fruit. I also got some more Camomille tea (since mine has been stolen by the cretinous degenerates that live here) and some Pink Lady apples (my fav!). Oh I love going grocery shopping! Cheers me right up.

Oh I also got tea biscuits for my nutella! Huzzah! I've had Shakira's "La Tortura" stuck in my head for days. OMG such a good song. I hope everyone out there is not nearly as stressed as I am. My sister sounds pretty buried in work as well. Love to everyone. Especially Ariel in Africa.

I feel so over whelmed and stressed and sad. I feel like a mouse starring up at a lion. The tasks ahead feel so daunting. I wish I could fast forward through all of this.

I keep wondering when I'm going to wake up from this nightmare. I have 4 exams this week. I had an orgo lab test today. Thursday I have a genetics exam and a bio lab practical. Friday I have another bio lab exam. On the plus side, the weather has finally warmed up. It was 80 yesterday and around 70 today. About freaking time. I'm skeptical that it will last. Misery. Woe. Exams. Le sigh.

I had a very weird dream in which I was in school in like the mid-west or the south, a summer school program I think. I can't imagine why I was there in the first place. I think I was with a friend. And the lady from the funeral I went to last Sunday was there, as the teacher. She was really bitchy and condescending. We got tests back in class and I either got a D- or a B- I couldn't read which. Then I think she represented Prof. Keene somehow. She said that she had written that I could come see her on this exam and my last. She also said she had mailed a letter to my parents. But then she was looking for my address and they didn't have it. Well I certainly wasn't a permanant resident. So I was either very relieved or very worried about my grade. I tried to ask her about it and I argued with her. Then she started saying shit about my mom, like insinuating that my mom had been bad in school too. I was like are you freaking kidding me? How can you possibly say something like that? She didn't know me or my family. What a wild conjecture. I argued with her and told her she didn't know what she was talking about and she sent me to detention! I was furious.

I thought WTF, this is bullshit. I've never been sent to detention in my life! I when and tried to sweet talk the lady at the office. Then I realized I forgot my purse in class. I desperately wanted to call my dad to get him to pick me up. I told her I needed to go get my purse. She asked why? I knew she wouldn't let me use my cell phone, I'd have to sneak it. So I told her I had asma (sp?) and my inhaler was in there. She said we weren't going to be doing anything where I'd need it. I told her I felt anxious without having it around just in case. I hoped she couldn't tell I was totally bullshiting her. She brought me my purse and then said ok let's find your inhaler. Shit! I was trying to play it cool. Maybe she didn't know what an inhaler looked like...

We were outside of the school and I was wondering how I was going to call my dad to get me out of here when I saw him coming! The office lady was behind me so I quickly ran over to him and whispered that I had gotten in "trouble" and it was all bullshit and just to ignore what they said so we can leave. I knew that awful teacher was going to want to lecture him about me. So he said he was taking me home. Then the teacher popped up again and asked if this was my husband (which the woman had asked at the funeral btw). She was clearly trying to get on my dad's good side and he totally blew her off. She was clearly not amused.

When we finally left to go to the car we were somehow in some ghetto area. And I passed a car that that been completely stripped all but one white pannel. The car had been gutted, engine, tires, everything. "Uh Dad..." It was our car. Then the woman started to laugh at us. And my dad freaked out about the car, slumping down on the side of a building. Ugh I just wanted to escape.

House is like a drug. It's my drug. I can't stop. And I don't want to stop. Home on Friday! WOO!!!

Friday night was really fun. After working so long I was exhausted. Katherine came back from a shopping trip at LF and showed me her goodies. She got some really cute dresses. Then we played dress up and I put one of her new dresses on. It was so cute. Then Matt started playing music and we kind of had an impromptu dance party in his room. That was when Maria walked in, getting back from church and apparently we were quite a strange site, Katherine and I dressed up, Charlotte and Matt dj'ing and all of us kind of dancing to "My Humps" by Fergie. LOL it was probably quite a site. Matt was eating raw cookie dough from a tube for a while. Finally he made some actual cookies. Then he made us cookies after winding us up, describing how excellent they were. We all sat around and looked at Katherine's new issues of Cosmo and Town and Country. It turns out Maria and I both really like techno and dark chocolate. Woo!

Saturday I did orgo all day. Blah I got so burnt out I figured I could let myself have a night off. Katherine wanted to go to Brookline. So on Saturday night Maria, Katherine and I ventured into Brookline (a Boston suburb) because our school randomly started up a bus there. Julie lives in Brookline so I called her up to see if she was free. Katherine, Maria and I ate at this fantastic Thai place. It was heavenly! I knew the place was legit because they had lychee martinis which btw pales in comparison to the one's back at home. Brookline has a Starbucks (gasp!) and a Trader Joe's!!! Oh the joy! I got to hit it up after dinner. I was overwhelmed and couldn't remember what I needed, I forgot to get hummus, pita and avocados. On the plus I got my favorite cracker and tortilla soup! And I finally found my favorite papadaum (sp?) chips, spicy dill and yogurt flavour. Corey and Julie found us at dinner. Then we went to TJ's. Then we found this quaint little creperie! They had an amazing coffee and tea selection. I was pretty full from dinner so I didn't get a crepe. I got nutella hot chocolate though and it was fantastic! It was a really lovely evening. It was so great to see Julie! Love ya Jules!

Then we got back and I got a panicked phone call from my parents who apparently did not book my brother a flight back to school. Whitney and Austin flew home yesterday for spring break. So then I had to look up flights and buy him one. After all of that was settled, I went up to Maria and Katherine's lounge and everyone was having tea. We heard this weird sound coming from outside. People were playing lazer tag. Running around with plastic guns that made funny noises and in totally ridiculous outfits, it was something that was soooo Brandeis. They were so serious about it too. Matt kept yelling out the window "GET HIM! He's over here!" It was so funny. Then day light saving time struck and I decided I should go to bed. It was around 2am.

This morning I was feeling sick. I almost fainted in the shower. Unpleasant. Then once I had recovered, much to my dismay, I opened up my cubboard this morning to find my entire bag of papadaum chips was gone, save 3 chips. BASTARDS! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! They have no idea what I went through to get those! I hadn't been off campus since I got back from the airport! Anyway did lots of icky work today. No fun!

Bon soir!